your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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