My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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