alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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