There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize