Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
