Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
