i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
