turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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