my phone needs a breathalizer
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
