Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
