I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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