You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
