I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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