I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
