he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
