Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
