I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
