hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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