Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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