I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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