Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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