Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Vodka?
Forever.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
