I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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