Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
