too bad you live with your parents still
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
