I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
