Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
