Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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