He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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