Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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