i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
