Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
