The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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