That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
