I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize