My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Randomize
