dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
