just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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