Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
