We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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