i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is it because I queefed?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
