I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
