Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
