WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
