i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize