it was like his penis was on wheels.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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