You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
