I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i dont even know how to be here
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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