If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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