I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
