I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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