Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
