Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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