I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
