my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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