Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
