The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
