i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
NoShamevember. You game?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
