Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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