We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
