Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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