I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
