well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
