these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
