i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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