Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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