M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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